Love , called Eros, the God, is so attracted unavoidably to Death ,the Thanatos, a huge black hole of nothingness like the most warm embrace ...
It is never the person we give the privilege of causing disturbance on our hearts
the real culprit , it is us.. we know this by now, after the likes of Freud or Lacan , its our transference , our projections, on the blank screens of appearances we see things, symbols, signs and we eventually find lost parts of our selves , of our forgotten past and dreams.
And this is exactly what happened to her when she meet him, and after the meeting.. that trail he left.. that scent that for some reason seemed to take her, to guide her, in to the deep nights of secret meetings for debriefings about the real exact Revolution, as was so much needed at that times.
So, please , don't even think that due to some weird auto destructive tendencies or some extra powers about this man she did love, she decided to put her self on a list to go and jump in to death , to disappear , because he had also gone long ago...
As it was irrelevant where he was now, because it was what happened then, the essence of that times and the subdued influence he exerted over her with out his will .
It was more to do with how he smelled and tasted, his sun kissed skin , his deep black eyes, his hair and how he move, how he spoke, how he love..
This is what was mysterious, thrilling, fascinating about the fate of agent E2162
How was her involved on this could have not been ever explained
if he will not had crossed her path at a very special moment of her
As simple as this may sound, him, out of the bluest blue, him the unexpected been,
him, influencing her trougth out his hands and kisses and his deep bright beetle
They did not enjoy such long times together , most was, as she pointed out after his proposal . like love in war times, love in a short time timing and context and then a long distance a long time passing by , as she had also had said then , like love before we just die...
She agreed , even knowing she would regret it both ways , if rejecting it , the whole
nothingness up on her for ever.
And if agreeing as she did , having almost for sure ( will she had not already knew -??) having to live with that passion, that memories, that burning desire for
"that" which had gone like a lone sailor at that harbor... the harbor where maybe as sailors fate could always be: never ever come back to again.
So all this happens on his absence, on his shape up on a reconstructed figure, fragments of very black lazy hair , a strength where her body felt covered and protected wile squashed by his , kisses so deep that she did wanted to die even by then, and
a feel on his penetrating her that she recognized as the ultimate dream come true
with out knowing how she could even know how was this feeling and how and why
was this exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it.
And how all this could transform in to politics and then later in to a total militancy ???
Still a mystery as the one of the saint trinity ..a sort of transubstantiation , all of it unexpected , as him and as the rest of her twist of fate after him....
She was more aware, she had been for a wile, but this feeling of loneliness and inloveness mixed up together make her eyes open wide and her mind awake and alert for things, feelings and issues that before seemed pointless or just impossible to reach.
One of them been Revolution...
Revolution, she used to think, is not possible any more, we are too much under
control, we love too much out little easy narcissistic lives and comforts ... and even if I know ( she said so many times ..) we are just bloody happy slaves .. there is not much we can do about it no ??
But for some reason, ( we know is because of him, because he, we had not said this before, exudes this feeling of strength and wilderness , self contained but intense , because he reminds her of a romantic hero, a mysterious revolutionary, a quiz... but she is not aware yet .. ) she developed this un- comfort , this agressive feeling .. this sickness to what she witness , as the every day life squizo extreme poles every where around her .
And one day , as if this was just also on her way , next to how unexpected and ephemeral had been her meeting with that man she knew she will not forget for at least a long long wile if ever, this other man appear ( a man almost as a negative version of her by then so long ago tasted unknown hero, a man so feminine, hermetic like an sphinx and excitingly dangerous) and this was by then how she
got recruited and how she did give her self to all this risk and commitment and ultimately to her own death . Her own death as an exchange for her believes and also ( she did not know this ) as the part of the deal she silently made when she
gived her self to that unknown man, sailor, love just for few hours and for never ever again as this was implicit on his words on his kisses on his own distant impossible life.
Marlene, was a man, and he had an immense ambitious agenda:
can you believe it?
She was baptized agent E2162 and her mission was double directions as her self
was half burgeoise and half gipsy .. two ways, two love and hate : deep down high society and the left overs ,the fringes and the un- rested .
So she did started and she did got drip by drip, day by day more involved and more
hard headed .
And drip by drip, even if all we do anyway is going to the same place, her death was getting closer and closer like a mathematic diagram she had traced a kiss after a kiss that one night , at that one humid harbor with that man she had
promessed to die for, after their ritual made and sealed .